I don't expect to hear from people most of the time, seeing as how I am piss poor at keeping up communication myself. So it always warms my heart when you make the effort to reach out. Thanks. Truth be told, I have gone off the grid...somewhat on purpose. I don't have contact with most of the face painting world, unless I need a painter to hire out. Then I'll make a few phone calls but keep personal communication to a minimum. My life is changing, my focus has taken a new direction entirely...

I'm usually better about keeping up with clients and inquiries. But I've let my business fall by the wayside for the most part. Sadly, I've come to resent that part of my work so I ignore it or avoid it as much as possible. I can trust you that none of this will get repeated to anyone else... I am really dreading facing colleagues and don't want them to know just how much I'm pulling away from face painting or my personal reasons behind it.

I've been having a shit ton of anxiety over working gigs, so I let most of them go because the stress is just not worth the paycheck anymore. It started back in September when I had my surgery and took well over a month off. I went back to work around Halloween, and found out I just wasn't ready to work with people and my skills were shaky. The break really helped me see that I do not think I'm cut out to be a party entertainer...anymore, or for a while...it's just not my passion. It's really hard for me. I had panic attacks through most of the work I did in October, then I just gave up. Even with as lucrative as Halloween season can be, I just decided fuck it.

I've spent the majority of the last several months taking whatever jobs came in (which because of this shitty economy, wasn't much) and just hiring out other face painters to do them. I haven't worked a party in I don't know how long. I'm happy to hire out painters...and in the cases where I lose the jobs entirely because I can't keep up with correspondence, they're getting passed on to the rest of your businesses! I guess it works out. I'm sort of sad to be so over it...but the truth is, I'm moving on.

The newest chapter in my life includes studying Makeup Artistry and branching out to a new career field. I am now planning on making a move down to LA in the fall, to attend the MakeUp Designory school, where I will be trained and certified in beauty makeup, special effects, prosthetics, and on and on. I toured with my best friend last month, and it's all very fascinating! This is one of the biggest changes in my life ever. I am so excited to be moving forward in my life, I've grown restless here. When I get out of school, my goal is to work in the fashion industry doing runway makeup, editorial makeup, avant-garde makeup, as well as keeping my roots in theatre and character makeup.

So that's the essay of my life, that's what's going on with me! On top of battling depression and medication changes and spring mania and anxiety and more physical recovery from more surgery, and just getting caught up in my crazy full life of lovers and other endeavors. I am okay....now. I'm getting better at being more ok and more in charge of my life than ever before.

Again, thank you so much for your concern and for reaching out to me. It helps to know that when I disappear sometimes, I'm actually missed.

Love, Chrysalis Rose

some of us will die from hearing too many cars
pass the road near our homes

or walking past too many playgrounds
looking at shopping lists
watching too many muted commercials
stepping over our wiggling dog too many times
driving short distances
ignoring too many questions from children
listening to talk radio
late at night
back turned to the window
lover sleeping alone

hard to hear
the small poison
in the click of a front door
shutting behind at 6 every week day

to see our arteries clog
with meals eaten in the car
or easy chair
traded for time
and a diet

notice the slow blood poisoning
from holding in 'i love you'

alarm clocks are deadly

we are infected with
closed photo album stop light crosswalk

we straight jacket dreams
duct tape their mouths
till dream silence catches in a clot
stops blood flow to our brains

we die

of over exposure
to coupons front yard fences

tear open our crumpled, burning kitchens
pull our mangled bodies from the wreckage

watch us beat ourselves to death
re checking email
ignoring the rustle of wind
hiding from rain
covering straightened hair with unread books
singing under our breath
swearing under our breath
reading textbooks
choosing tile
spraying weed killer on our flowers
looking at expensive cars
wiping away tears
letting the kids bother someone else
trying not to stare

apologizing
pause

crack open
come from numb and patient
wet collar slack jaw
spit on the sidewalk
reach nails to throat
scrape your esophagus
til words bleed
spray paint the pavement with your tongue
exhale whiskey like a fire hose
do not be ignored do not be ignored
let sex scream from your lips
fill your mouth with love and explode
build a bridge. chew through sap and sinew

fall

fall fast and hard and screaming
tuck your wings and fall

hold your breath your fear
your hands your self

be moth
a cannonball

turn your back and fall
spread your arms
tumble slow
drink sky with your eyes
close your eyes
and when you hit
leave nothing unbroken

this is where we live
where we are alive
in dirt and blood and rain
swearing
and singing bad and loud

our armor is not enough

dive
heartfirst and howling
splinter the door
dig through floor with fingers
find earth
wet stinking and fertile
sweat, bleed, and fuck...
shit! find someone's lungs to breathe from

dislocate your heart
your throat your home
till your dreams can breathe
set them free
and hope they never come back here

find your eyes
trade them for light

so I'm giving up my crown
lady in waiting by your side
waiting for my prince to come, someday

a breeze blows through me
one lonely day while I wait
going to let this bus just pass me

tired of sitting on your sidelines
hoping you will take notice of my loyalty
so i'm climbing out of this tower where I wait

now you'll have to come and find me
one more lonely day I can't wait
counting down the moments for you to rescue me

so I'm giving up my crown
lady in waiting by your side
waited for my prince to come, someday

You crawled into my bed that night like some sort of giant insect
And I found myself spellbound that night at the sight of you there,
Beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuff
Bluffing your way into my mouth,
Behind my teeth, reaching for my scars.
That night we got kicked out of two bars and laughed our way home.

That night you leaned over and threw up into your hair.
And I held you there thinking I would offer you my pulse
If I thought it would be useful.
I would give you my breath except the problem with death
Is we have some hundred years and then they can build
Buildings on our only bones.
A hundred years and then your
Grave is not your own.
We lie in our beds and in our graves
Unable to save ourselves from the quaint tragedies we invent
And then undo, from the stupid circumstances we slalom through.
And I realized that night that the hall light which seemed so
Bright when you turned it on is nothing compared to the dawn,
Which is nothing compared to the light which seeps from you
While you're sleeping cocooned in my room beautiful and grotesque,
Resting.
That night we got kicked out of two bars and laughed our way home.

I thought, I would offer you my pulse.
I would give you my breath.
I would offer you my pulse.

~Ani Difranco

"I Love You like fire loves oxygen...
I'm missing you like a cactus who hasn't seen rain in three years
You're missing me like a breath of fresh air, one mile deep in the sea"

I fall deeper for you every time you write for me.
I'm drowning deeper and deeper in your sea.

"A lesson must be lived
In order to be learned.
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned." ~Ani


I used to panic when I had to be alone, avoid loneliness at all costs, not able to enjoy my own company.
Now I breathe a sigh of relief to be left alone, when I don't hear back from anybody, don't have to worry or empathize or take care of anyone but me. Now I treasure the moments alone and look forward to the times when it is quiet enough to hear my own thoughts.
I used to never be able to be content. The woman who "has everything and still I want more."
Now I want more for myself and my future, but I live with such gratitude, in such contentment for all I have.
I used to live day to day, only concerned and consumed with the now and obsessed with what was going on in the forefront of my mind.
Now I make decisions and plan for the future, anticipating new growth and great things to come.
I used to lack the commitment to myself, doubting my ability to progress and be healthy and whole.
Now I am hopeful, motivated, and determined to be healthy and change my outlook and attitude.
I used to pour myself into my partners and always put my own needs last.
Now I set boundaries, and make sure I get time to work on me, and stand up for getting my needs met too.
I used to always be sore from fits of passion, getting beat up by lust night to night.
Now my body is sore from working hard, and getting stronger day to day.
I used to be afraid of ever stepping outside my front door, dread going out in public.
Now I make it a point to get outside and leave my house more often, give myself a reason to get moving and try new things.
I used to let anxiety run my life, and give up when it got too overwhelming or terrifying.
Now I don't avoid the anxiety that comes up, but rather challenge myself to work through it and overcome my fears.
I used to eat, breathe, and sleep Relationships.
Now I feed myself healthfully, I breathe the fresh air, I rest with peace in my heart.

There was a time when I thought I could never get better, when I would never be whole. I wanted so bad to get myself out, but I didn't know how to do it. I clung to what was familiar and easy, even when it hurt me.
I could have guilt or shame or resentment for what I've come through, what I put myself through. But this journey is what brought me where I am now, to learn the lessons and reach this epiphany.
NOW I have been inspired, and I will push myself to be better and better everyday.
I may falter or have doubts or hesitation at times. But I will never give up or lose faith in myself.

It's time for a change, a new start. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I embrace my potential.

tomorrow things will change
tomorrow i can take charge
tomorrow i will focus my thoughts
tomorrow i will take that walk
tomorrow i will open that book
tomorrow i will change my eating habits
tomorrow i will quit my vices
tomorrow i will tackle all those projects
tomorrow i will get around to my goals
tomorrow i will start to pursue my dreams
tomorrow i will be active and adventurous
tomorrow i will break patterns
tomorrow i will stop being lazy
tomorrow i will put forth the effort
tomorrow i will be more healthy
tomorrow i will have the control
tomorrow will be different
tomorrow is a chance for a new start
tomorrow i will be proud of myself

all the promise and potential of my future waits on the other side of the next sunrise
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
tomorrow never comes
tomorrow is a wasted opportunity
tomorrow is an illusion
an empty promise
the idea that my life is waiting to happen tomorrow is an easy lie to keep myself safe from success or failure or progress of any kind


tomorrow things will change




Today things are changing
Today I am taking charge
Today I will focus my thoughts
Today I will take that walk
Today I will open that book
Today I will change my eating habits
Today I will quit my vices
Today I will tackle projects
Today I will take steps to reach my goals
Today I pursue my dreams
Today I will be active and adventurous
Today I will break old patterns
Today I will stop being lazy
Today I will put forth the effort
Today I am healthy, getting healthier
Today I have the control
Today is the chance for a new start
Today I AM proud of myself
All the promise and potential of my Future is here now.

These three words
once held in my throat with anticipation,
exchanged with a sense of relief,
that now come so naturally

These three words
echoed back as a call and response,
a daily chant together,
sometimes left to stand alone

These three words
whispered between our dreams,
escaping through shared moans,
choked between sobs

These three words
expressed without abandon or fear,
given freely,
posed a question, looking for the answer to myself

These three words
used to mark time,
the inflection changes,
through good times and bad- remain unconditional

These three words
heal our wounds,
uttered reluctantly, or out of habit,
offered as an apology

These three words
give a predictable sense of comfort,
an unspoken understanding,
repetition wearing away meaning

These three words
a reminder
a lesson
of our infinite Love within us and without us

The veil is thin
Between my facades and my truths
Between what I run from and what I run to
From what keeps me from myself and keeps me staying with you
Yes the veil is thin
And the disguises worn through

Let me elucidate
I've finally reached somewhere
Break down the lies I've been telling myself
Sweep away the past and clear the air

"I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own"

It feels good to be held but I don't need it anymore
The holding is a sweet reminder that I'm worth being cared for
Not necessary, but still comforting
The moral is that I know I am worth caring for myself now
I know we have both yearned for the day when I can take care of me
so you don't have to do it all
See, we can breathe easier now that the pressure is off
My bonds to you have been dissolved without breaking
The expectations slowly faded away
And I came to the realization of what I've known all along

I have denied and avoided this awakening
Tried to fool myself with foolishness
I woke up from this silly dream I've been having
The one where I am no longer me, I am only You and all there is, is "Us"

I have come into myself
I am the state of becoming
She is coming
Back



"A lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned

When I realize it doesn't bother me
And heartache not so dire
Cuz I looked up to see integrity
Finally won over desire"

Aspiring Me
Fierce Me
Transform Me
Reclaim Me
AUTONOMY

~~~~~~~~~

CREATRIX of Makeup Artistry
Inspiring Skilled Beauty
Believe Dreams ~ Achieve Reality

~~~~~~~~~

Taking Responsibility
Future of Self-Security
Abundance is My Currency

~~~~~~~~~

As I Will It, So Mote It Be.

~~~~~~~~~

(Call these goals, affirmations, or spells. I weave magic wherever I go. Manifest the Possibilities.)

Blessed Be.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
by Marianne Williamson

At my spiritual retreat this past weekend, we did a meditation with color. The visions I got were like a sunset: red, orange and yellow, washing over my body and coursing through me. Yellow especially showed up for me. So I figured I would do some research on the Chakra energies related to those colors, and see what issues I have to work on with my body, mind, and spirit at present. What I found on these 3 Chakras truly resonated with me, and accurately relate to where I am on my path in my personal journey right now.


The Solar Plexus Chakra

Chakra Three: Manipura
Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition
This chakra is known as the power chakra. The color that corresponds to Manipura is yellow.
It rules our personal power, will, and autonomy, as well as our metabolism. Key issues governed by Manipura are fear, anxiety, opinion-formation, introversion, and transition from simple or base emotions to complex. It also relates to destiny, determination, assertion, purpose and sight. When healthy, this chakra brings us energy, effectiveness, spontaneity, and non-dominating power.
Physically, Manipura governs digestion, mentally it governs personal power, emotionally it governs expansiveness, and spiritually, all matters of growth.
Blockage symptoms: Manifests as a sense of victimization, inability to manifest, over emotional and attached to love, afraid of being alone.


The Sacral Chakra

Chakra Two: Svadhisthana
Water, Emotional identity, oriented to self-gratification
The second chakra, located in the abdomen, lower back, and sexual organs, is related to the element water, and to emotions and sexuality. It connects us to others through feeling, desire, sensation, and movement. Ideally this chakra brings us fluidity and grace, depth of feeling, sexual fulfillment, and the ability to accept change.


The Root Chakra

Chakra One: Muladhara
Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation
Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity, security, and dynamic presence.





Tonight it came to me: I have received clarity, I have arrived at acceptance, and I am determined to stop wallowing and start moving forward.

It's getting to be time to go.
To take a leap of faith and jump with both feet into the unknown...

"Either you find solid footing, or there will be nothing there.
If there is nothing there, either you will plummet,
or YOU WILL LEARN TO FLY."

I lost myself somewhere along my path.
Everyone from the outside looking in can see it
They drop hints and offer encouragement yet saying nothing
Go find yourself...
The wind whispers
My dreams won't let me rest
Inside something is getting ready to run
Not away from me this time, but towards myself

The inner goddess has long been waiting,
She is getting impatient
She is ready to pounce at a moments notice.
My power lay dormant too long.
I have grown restless.

Pack up, hit the road
I will soon take flight

"And most of all I miss the fact that I have everything I have wanted and more. Now I get to have more. Now I can have it bigger. Now I can really expand."

"I have felt so restrained. Like I hold back how big I am, how powerful I am how beautiful I am... It means embracing fully who i am. Being proud of that....Being proud to be intense and beautiful and feirce and passionate."

"I am standing on the edge of a great shift. My life is changing and I am going to take flight, ignight and shine."


This whole thing spoke to me. All over again. This is exactly where I am in this moment.
You are perfect. Thank you for being you, Suze. I am inspired to be me now.

Ani said to me:

"I told myself I was strong enough
That I had plenty of blood to give
And each elbow cradled a needle
But listless and faint ain't no way to live

So I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din.
And then I learned how to swim.


I said:
I think it's time to stretch my sea legs. See how far I can get on my own, let what surrounds me go, let you go. Until I sink or learn how to swim.


Ani told me:

"So I'll walk the plank
and I'll jump with a smile
if I'm gonna go down
I'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but I've worked with less

the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that I'm better
I'm better
off alone..."


Sing it girl. teach me how to sing again.

April and Frank Wheeler are a young, thriving couple living with their two children in a Connecticut suburb in the mid-1950s. Their self-assured exterior masks a creeping frustration at their inability to feel fulfilled in their relationships or careers. Frank is mired in a well-paying but boring office job, and April is a housewife still mourning the demise of her hoped-for acting career. Determined to identify themselves as superior to the mediocre sprawl of suburbanites who surround them, they decide to move to France where they will be better able to develop their true artistic sensibilities, free of the consumerist demands of capitalist America. As their relationship deteriorates into an endless cycle of squabbling, jealousy and recriminations, their trip and their dreams of self-fulfillment are thrown into jeopardy.


Tonight I went to Revolutionary Road with my best friend. It was the most soul crushing, hard to watch movie I've seen in a long, long time. I was confronted with all my worst fears about living a meaningless existence. It confirmed for me all the reasons behind my resistance to working in a dead end job and settling down, settling for less. I came out of that movie with a deep gratitude for my insanity... thankful that I refused to conform to a conventional lifestyle all these years because I was too "crazy". And really... I think those of us that society views as unstable, or unproductive, or worthless deadbeats- the truth is yes, we would like to view ourselves as somehow superior to succumbing to the soul crushing norm... maybe we're crazy because we can see and speak the truth. And to uphold our truth, we spend our lives running away from this perceived inevitable decline of our hopes and dreams. And embrace our weird ideals and beliefs and live our unconventional, eclectic lifestyles to ward off the alternative monotonous existence we dread.

"Hopeless emptiness. Now you've said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."

This movie shook me up. I spend most nights numb. I sit safe in my living room with my best friend night after night (and as depressing as this routine sometimes gets, it is truly the most enjoyable time I have usually). But I'm hiding from living the life I want, stopping myself from finding anything better. Because I'm scared. Scared I will end up being just like the people I hate. Or scared I will succeed at my dreams. But it's easier to stay here, cooped up night after night avoiding the possibilities of what could be. Tonight I got out of the house, and I remembered why I don't lead that other life, why I don't do what I hate. It's so I can do what I love. So I can find myself, and follow my passions despite all the odds in this culture of hopelessness. I want to be different, and I want to be special. Chano summed it up for us pretty well the other day when he said "Chano is a bum, but is glad he is not you." I so desperately do not want to be normal and unfulfilled... I guess I would rather spend my days without direction, than going in a direction that I don't want, in a direction that has no end or no greater purpose.

"Tell me the truth. remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth. They just get better at lying."

I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to be trapped in a career and a relationship and a life that I hate. But I don't want to be trapped in my head either, holding my life hostage as a prisoner in my own house. I have to take a risk to live that life of something better. I have to stop being numb so I can remember how to dream. I'm caught in a purgatory, terror on one side and avoidance on the other.
It dawned on me... the greater sense of responsibility I have to myself. If I'm going to keep myself from being like everyone else... then it's my job to go out and do something different. I'm not going to save myself by holding myself back any longer.
Sooner or later, I'm going to have to jump. Just to see what else the world holds.

"It takes backbone to lead the life you want."

i miss the days where you were the only one i could love
the good old days, so precious i didn't know how much
i miss the time when you were the god of my idolatry
you held my attention
you were always enough
i was truly fulfilled
and my heart was tethered here
i have a feeling
those days don't have to be only a faint memory of the past
but we have to work at it,
wandering alone in the night to find one another
searching through the fog to get back to Home
i miss the simplicity of
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
...all my troubles seemed so far away

You know what we used to say about breathing...
Unconscious at times or intentional.
Breathing together has never been so hard.

i don't miss you
i don't mourn you
i only regret you
the resentment isn't a burden
though the bitterness will fade
you're not worth my time
you're not worth my mind
or the cruel joke that
i thought you deserved my heart
you were only a broken mirror
that's all you ever were